[ Guest Chirp ] So What’s Your Apocalypse?

So What’s Your Apocalypse? 

by Nathan L. Yocum

“That’s great it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane. Lenny Bruce is not afraid.”

-REM It’s the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

Bad news…the world is going to end. It’s an inevitability akin to taxes or Hollywood divorce. We as a species will die out. Our world will twist and change and crumble to dust. The Earth will be rendered unrecognizable to the tortured spirits that loom in its wake, scouring for the last bits of food and clean water before succumbing to their hellish deaths.

The world will end. I can’t stop it, you can’t stop it, Kirk Cameron can’t stop it. The only relevant questions are “how and when?”

Imagine that the Earth is a gun and you’re Christopher Walken from The Deer Hunter. What bullet (or apocalypse) will be the harbinger of your destruction? What are your apocalyptic options? How likely are they?

I’m here to help. Here’s a breakdown of four of the most common forms of apocalypse.

Global Pandemic

Examples in History/Pop Culture: The Black Plague, Omega Man, Contagion, The Stand

Likelihood of Occurring: Possible. Global pandemics are kind of a yearly thing. Mind you, not everything is as ultimately destructive as the Black Plague or Captain Trips, but one of these days bird flu or swine flu or monkey flu is going to land on your sinuses. Will you survive?


  1. Unlimited parking.
  2. No worries about food supplies, you will literally never run out of canned goods and bottled water (assuming you survived near a city).
  3. Social standing goes way up, opposite sex has to be less choosy (this could be a con if you were wealthy/attractive/charismatic before the fall).
  4. Get to scoff at all those dead suckers who forked out $7+ a shot for tubes of Airborne. Way to buy the hype!


  1.  In order for a global pandemic to be legitimate it needs to wipe out at or around 99% of humanity. Odds are that means you, Ninety-Nine Percent-er.
  2. Even if you survive, all your family and friends will perish.
  3. May have to endure flu-like symptoms.
  4. Even if you survive, you might be caught in a good vs. evil fight to the death. Continue reading