Small Chirp: Select Pet Hates from the Fantasy and Paranormal Genres
When in doubt, make your character sigh.
In fact, make your characters sigh all the time! It adds depth to their already angsty personalities and highlights how tortured and put upon they are. It can also be used while daydreaming of that hawt actor look-alike across the room, to convey impatience with the police line that just won’t let the character ogle the corpse, or to express pure frustration when the villain, once again, slips out of a clever ambush. It can even convey boredom. It’s a very versatile act.
For an even better use of this elegant action, have your character (if female) fiddle around with the strands of her black-dyed hair as she stares about the bookstore sighing or (if male) glance broodingly around the coffee shop as he slumps in his seat with as sigh. Life is meaningless. This story is boring. The characters are deep.
What age difference? It’s true love!
Sure the human girl may be super mature for her tender age of 13 (or 20, or 30) but you have to wonder what a 100-year-old (or 500, or 10,000 depending on how far out we’re going) immortal sees in her. Outside of the trope of soul-mates, in which case neither the poor girl or the put-upon immortal have much choice in their inevitable hook up, the age difference is taken so easily for granted. It blows my mind.
I am not comfortable with the idea of a 17 year old getting it on with a 70 year old. So why would it be okay for the 17 year old to hook up with a 170 year old vampire, or 17,000 year old angel, say? It’s because he’s still hawt, right? Somehow, the rules of common sense stop applying.
More to the point, what would an immortal who has lived several lifetimes see in a girl barely out of school? If you, dear reader, are in your twenties, let me ask you this: Have you ever had an honest heart to heart with your young tween cousins? As equals?
At best, such an immense age difference will lead to a skewed power dynamic between the partners. Worst case scenario, it implodes.
Love Soothes the Raging Beast
“Get away from me,” he yells as he begins the transformation into his beastly counterpart, “I cannot control myself! I shall attack you, eat your liver and appendix, suck the marrow from your bones, and then come morning, feel super guilty because you’re the first girlfriend I’ve had in five centuries! …so, like, run.”
“Nope! I lurves you,” says his girlfriend of one week.
“No, really, I will kill you.”
“Luuurve you. Gimme a hug.”
“Do you really want me to spend the next century and a half wracked with guilt over your death?”
They hug, he gets his monster under control, and true lurve prevails.
In a perfect world he would have chomped on her liver and appendix, sucked the marrow from her bones, and then, come the morning after, gone hunting through the yellowbook pages for a therapist.
Johnny, it is not your fault.